tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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