bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
