new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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