My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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