Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
this just has baby written all over it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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