when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
God, you're like boner-b-gone
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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