I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
