I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
