i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
