She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
