Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
