We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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