Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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