I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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