Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
They took my balls.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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