and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
