We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
