I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
