So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
