dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
