There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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