and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
