Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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