I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
