he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
