Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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