soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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