matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
