he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
