there's paper in my vomit.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
