Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I am available for nakedness
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
