i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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