What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
