New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
