My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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