And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
