You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize