I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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