my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
