Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
