he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
