she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
