I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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