This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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