You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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