1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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