where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
