Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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