A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
