Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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