he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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