friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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