My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
