I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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