I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
