Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
