She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
