wrigley field is MILF paradise
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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